Mid-week Report Card

Well, if I had to give myself a grade on the week so far I would give myself a B. I have been eating really healthy, getting all my veggies and water in! I am making wise cooking choices, and am resisting the urge to snack afterschool and at night. I started a new knitting project, which has been helpful as well! On the other hand, I have been pretty awful at journalling this week. I did it Saturday, and haven't done it until today again! I have been counting the points in my head, but it is never the same because you too easily miss things when you do it in your head. I have also only exercised once this week, and I really wanted to do something at least twice this week...I guess that means that I will have to do something Thursday or Friday :) I am really looking forward to another great weight LOSS this week, and I would love to lose 2lbs or more so I can get my first "bravo" star...lol, I am such a dork!

On a different note, I was at youth tonight and some of the girls asked if they could pray that I would get pregnant! They don't know my situation at all, but I was pretty touched that they asked me if they could. It worked for one of the other youth leaders so, you never know :P

What a good day, and it's only 10am!

I am already having a great day and it's only 10am! I went to Weight Watchers this morning and I lost 3 lbs exactly! I was definitely not expecting that at all! I bought a bunch of Weight Watcher snacks at the meeting, learned some useful tips and was feeling SO GOOD that I got home and immediately went for a run/walk! I am now going to "splurge" and have squirrly bread with cheese whiz, YUM!

Knitting: The Dieting Miracle?

It's not really news that I am trying to lose weight. Really this is something that I have been "trying" to do my entire late teen/adult life. This time it is connected to something bigger, having a baby, so I am trying to be really serious about it! In light of this, I joined Weight Watchers last week. I have had some moderate success on my own the last year, but I feel like I need the accountability of a program. I have my first weigh-in tomorrow morning and I am not optimistic for huge numbers, although I am sure that I did lose weight. Mental Note: Don't start Weight Watchers on the week of Thanksgiving :)

It is amazing to me how much my thinking has changed even in this past week. I have always been concerned with eating healthy meals, but this week I was so much more aware of what I was choosing to eat. For instance, tonight Sam and I wandered around the grocery store for 45 minutes just to figure out what to eat...everything we wanted turned out to be high in points. Surprisingly we ended up with a pasta-veggie-alfredo toss for only 9 points!! It was delicious and I feel like I ate a gigantic meal!!

I have also been trying to think of ways that I can curb my late-night eating. If there is one thing that I love, and crave, it is eating something sweet at the end of the night. I know all the research says that eating after dinner is awful for weight loss and for digestion, but I have such a sweet tooth!! Anyways, I was driving home from work today and all of a sudden it hit me: when I have a knitting project on the go, my hands are busy, I don't think about snacking, and I don't eat the extra points! I LOVE knitting and I LOVE that it helps me stop snacking! It is my dieting miracle!! I have three new projects in mind already: a blanket for my niece (her request lol, and how could I resist?), a cowl for myself, and a Christmas present that I won't share just in case the person is reading this! I hope that this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between my shrinking body and my knitting needles :)

Cheers to weight loss and knitting!!

Wondering...

Tonight I got some information from a friend about a fertility drug that her sister used to get pregnant. It is called Femara. I immediately researched it and have found conflicting reports (like anything). Almost every woman with PCOS that commented in chatrooms or in threads got pregnant on the first try. This is, of course, tempting to just jump on the bandwagon, however there has been some studies saying that it can cause birth defects if it happens to stay in your system when the egg is fertilized. I have tried Clomid before and there are many risks with it, and much more side effects...but I guess I am little nervous about taking something new.

I am hopefully going for my "dye" test (to see if there are any blockages) next week, and Sam is going for a test as well...then I have a doctor's appointment at the end of October. I am going to talk to him about this new drug, and perhaps it will be a new part of our journey to get pregnant :)

Lately, I have been trying not to focus on the getting-a-baby-thing and I have been doing a pretty good job of it. I have joined Weight Watchers, and am hoping to lose 20 or 25lbs by Christmas. I am on a journey and that is what I have been focusing on...BUT holidays are always difficult and I found it hard to be "thankful" for our lack of children and my families' uncanny ability to get pregnant. I got through it though, and am hoping that more answers and some new treatments will begin to happen in the next month!

On a happier note!

I forgot to mention that I am an Auntie again! I have mentioned that my sister is pregnant on the blog before, but I still haven't posted any info! Isaiah Edward Arthur Neufeld was born on July 18, 2011. I was in the room with my sister and it was the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. My sister is an amazing woman!! I love my little nephew, and I have such a special bond with him. For medical reasons, my sister needed someone to stay with them the first few nights he was born, and I was the one who got to. I took care of him a lot in those first few days, and I was the one getting up with him at night, changing him and settling him so my sister could sleep between feeds. I will always be grateful for that time with him! It solidified for me, even more, that I am going to love motherhood despite those late nights, poopy diapers and crying fits!

A realization...

For the past year I have had dozens of friends and acquaintances who were pregnant. At one point 12 friends were pregnant at the same time! Facebook was the hardest thing, because almost every time I went on, someone else announced their pregnancy, or posted photos of their beautiful baby! This summer tons of my friends had their babies, and I thought perhaps I won't be agonized for a little while. No such luck, within a couple weeks I had 5 more friends announce their pregnancies...wow! One of them being family, which makes it even harder! I have to say that I have been dealing with these announcements better than I was 6 months ago, but the more that happen, the harder that it gets to put on a happy face and give well wishes.

SO, my realization...there will not be a time in the near future when I don't know a dozen prego friends - it's the time of life I am in. I am in the time of life to have children, yet it hasn't happened for me. I get comments monthly from others who also notice that it is my "time" to have children, and they wonder when we are going to have kids. The thing that bugs me about that is that everyone assumes that it is the easiest thing in the whole world. I snap my fingers, and I have a baby...if only! I am very confident in the journey that I am on to have children, but my confidence and contentment about this is shaken each time one more person announces their pregnancy. It brings up all those little feelings of jealousy, envy, and despair...all of which are not characteristics of the woman I want to be. I want to dwell on God and his great power to know my desires and heal me. I pray that he will put a sparkle in my eye, in my heart and in my arms!

Psalm 13

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

New School Year...New Fertility Approach

I am heading into a new school year, my third as a teacher, and I can't help feel that "turn over a new leaf" feeling. September has always been one of my favorite times of year because of new school supplies (I have a weakness for pens and notepads), new school clothes, and a new class! This year, I am the teacher in this scenario, but those feelings are still evoked nonetheless. In keeping with this new leaf, I decided to go to a different doctor. This was one of the best things I could have done. He has such a different approach to whats going on with me. In our first session, I felt like more was done than there had been in the past year. He is confident that I will get pregnant, and he was honest that it is going to mean some hard work and dedication from me. He was blunt about my need to exercise and lose weight, and doesn't believe in pumping me full of hormones or fertility drugs just yet. He wants to see me in two months and see progress with my weight. Talk about incentive...I can't just show up and not have lost any weight. Honestly, I don't really know why this time is different...its not like I didn't know that I needed to lose weight, but having a doctor give you a deadline is kind of a wake up call. He suggested that I join Weight Watchers and join a gym, and make these a major priority in my life. I have to treat this like a problem I have. I have never really thought of my weight this way, its always more been a weakness in my eyes. I have to treat this like I have high blood pressure, or type 2 diabetes...something that I need to work to maintain.

So, in light of my new doctor and my new beginnings I am going to join WW and begin an exercise regime. I am going to be honest, every other time that I have attempted to maintain exercise or weight loss, I have failed. I am still working through and thinking of ways that I am going to be able to keep this up. My major incentive, of course, is having a baby, but I am thinking that I need to put up reminders around the house that remind me of this! Or perhaps a reward system: every month I lose weight I get to buy something for our future baby. I am still thinking through this, but if there is anyone out there who reads this and has ideas for perseverance, I would appreciate anything :)

This summer has flown by and I can hardly believe that I am looking toward a new school year in just a few weeks! I have many hopes, dreams and goals for this year, and as soon as I have them all figured out I am going to blog about them so I have a constant reminder of what I really want out of this year! Now to narrow down all the things I want to do/have...could be a big task!!

Mel :)

9 days late and frustrated!

Normally a woman who is trying to get pregnant would be thrilled that she is 9 days late. I, however, am not happy because I know that it is not because of pregnancy. I ran out of my pills the last week and a half of my cycle and was not able to get more until a few days after my period was due. I guess my body is confused with what's happening, and it confirms for me that the pills from the naturopath are the only things helping my period come on time. The frustrating thing is that my body is playing tricks on me. I have wanted/needed naps that last few afternoons, and I have felt sick to my stomach a couple times in these last few days. I am not letting myself go there and think that I am pregnant, but I hate that my body is playing tricks with my mind. My husband and I are going away on vacation on Wednesday, and in light of the fact that we were planning to have drinks with our anniversary dinner, I will take a test just to confirm what I already know. The thing is, I do not like taking pregnancy tests. The first few months I took tests and got the devastating "not pregnant" symbol. After several months of this I decided that I wouldn't waste the time, heartache or money. Even as I write this I cannot help but have a small sliver of hope...but I keep bringing myself back down to earth by looking at my temperatures from the month, which have done the same thing as they have every other month. I feel immensely silly for wishing for my period, but I either hope that I am pleasantly surprised, or am gearing up for another fun cycle of trying to conceive.

In other news, my sister is only 21 days until her due date. Her belly has grown so much lately, and it is becoming more and more real to me that she will have a little baby soon! I have started feeling more and more depressed that I am not even pregnant and she is ready to give birth. Our dreams of being pregnant together are not going to come true, and our little babies won't be close in age. When I found out she was pregnant, I kept telling myself that I would be pregnant at some point during her pregnancy, and I guess that it is really hitting me lately that this won't happen. On the other hand, I am thrilled to meet this little one and I know it is going to be so special!! I just need to sort through these feelings, and continue to put faith in God that he will hear my prayers and enable my body to ovulate!

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

The last week or so I have been pondering whether I should give Clomid another try. I tried it for 4 months and it did not get my body to ovulate. After that I explored the naturopathic route and have been doing that since March. It has not worked either, although for the past three months my period has come on time...which is a miracle! I am wondering if the Clomid might be more effective now that my period is more regular. I would keep the vitamins and supplements going, and also do the Clomid. I don't like the idea of the effects that the Clomid could have on my body, but at this point it is the only thing different that we can afford to try. I am trying to be careful not to let my desire for a baby cloud my judgement about this...but most days I feel desperate to just try or do something!!

This summer I am also going to be working on losing weight. The doctors have tested me for, what seems like, everything under the sun, and there is nothing wrong. What is wrong, is that I am about 100 lbs overweight, and this is the only thing they can think of that could be causing it. This is very specific to the woman as there are many women who are much heavier than me and they have conceived. For me, the weight seems to affecting my hormone levels, causing excess estrogen and therefore not inducing ovulation. My hopes for the summer are that I stick with my exercise plan, continue to make healthier eating choices and lose 25 lbs! I have committed to doing my Couch to 5km program, as well as walk...A LOT! Sam and I are going to also be walking in the evenings, and geochaching, which is good exercise if you choose the right area to walk to!

I am very hopeful that with losing more weight in the summer, exercising, and continuing to take the vitamins and supplements that I will get pregnant before the year is out! It saddens me in a lot of ways that I am thinking so far ahead, but I understand that this is a process...and it will feel good to lose more weight before I get pregnant anyways!! I am going to be blogging my journey through the summer...all the nitty, gritty details of the ups and down, and all the real numbers...yikes! I am looking forward to it, and hope that this will keep me a bit more accountable!

In other news, my sister is nearly a month away from her due date, and I cannot wait to meet my little niece or nephew!! My sister and I have always been close, and in some ways I think her baby will feel like the closest thing to my own, until I have my own. I am very excited to share all those special moments with her, and I love that she comes to me with baby questions still, even though I have never had one!! In some ways, this is like I pictured it...I get to help and support my sister through this, even if I have never experienced it myself. I have begun knitting a baby blanket for the new babe, and when I make a bit more progress, I will post pictures!

As I right this I am staring out the window at pouring rain, and am finding it hard to believe that it is the middle of June! I cannot believe that this is the last week of school. Of course, as a teacher, the work doesn't stop when the students stop coming, there are exams and study sessions and my tutoring students to help as well. I am working and tutoring non-stop right now, which is extremely tiring and exhausting! The countdown is on to June 28th, which is when my much-deserved restful and relaxing summer begins, I cannot wait!!

"I was worth the wait..."

Yesterday I was on a website that all these hysterical baby onsies that you could buy. I browsed through over 20 pages of them and then came across one that said: "I was worth the wait." I teared up at the thought of our little one wearing that! I am confident that when we get our little miracle, they will definitely be worth the wait!! It is just the waiting part that I have to get through :)

I am still working on memorizing Jeremiah 29: 11-13, and trying to live in the hope of that promise! If you are reading this and need a little reminder that God always has a plan for you, then here maybe this will help you also:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to PROSPER you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

In Waiting,
Melody

Hello Monthly Gift...

Well here's the news...I got my period yesterday. I have mixed emotions about this. Obviously I am devastated, yet again, that I am not pregnant. My other feeling is: hooray, my period came when it was supposed to, which hasn't been happening for a very long time! I am trying hard to see the positive, but can't help feeling sad that a February baby is out of the picture. This week has been especially hard as I also found out that I didn't get a teaching job that I applied for, instead a fellow candidate that I know got it. The combination of this and the emotions that come with having a period have provided for a REALLY emotional week! Today at school I was on the verge of tears ALL day...life is so hard right now!

In light of both of these situations I called the most wise person I know, my dad. He has been the most amazing spiritual example for me ever since I can remember. He is so faithful; he gets up every morning to spend an hour with the Lord. I am not kidding when I say that he has only missed a couple mornings since becoming a christian at 18. He is the epitome of what I would want to have in my relationship with God. All I have to do is say: "Dad, you remember that verse that say God is faithful..." (or something like that), and he knows exactly what reference it is. I called my dad a couple nights ago and we had a two-hour conversation about all of this stuff. Some of it was hard to hear, but there was one thing that really stuck with me: God is not punishing me through infertility, or through my missed job, he just might be trying to show me or teach me something. I have felt for the longest time that I was being punished for something...something in the way that I lived or something that I did. My dad firmly believes that God loves me, and punishing me for sin, which everyone has, is not something he would do to me. A little bit of weight came off of my shoulders. I still believe that I need to be delighting in God, and trying to follow his commands for my life...but I don't need to tear myself apart every-time I think of my sin.

My Dad also mentioned that perhaps God is trying to teach me something. I have been thinking A LOT about this, and I am beginning to feel that God is trying to show me that I have to rely completely on him, and believe in his plan for my life. I am going to be honest, I have had a plan for my life for a long time, and I have counted on those things happening. Other than getting married to Sam, and when I wanted to, NOTHING ELSE HAS HAPPENED IN MY TIME! I wanted to get married, finish school, get a full time job, have a baby, go on mat leave, go back to work, and just keep having babies. I was going to have 4 before 32, and have a happy little family! Hello, reality check Melody...this was all without consulting God on his timing. Somehow in the past few years I have forgotten that, even though I feel these things are God's plan for me, they may not happen as soon as I want. I feel wholeheartedly that I am meant to be a Mommy, God has given me such a connection to children, and SO many motherly feelings, that I know this to be true. I am trying to remind myself that, just because it is not happening now, it doesn't meant that it will never happen. If my inability to become pregnant continues, does it mean I still won't be able to have children in other ways? Even though both of these scenarios are so hard to think about, and bring me to tears, I have to remember that God is in control, and his plan is what is right for my life!

In the past couple years I have had little relief from constant anxiety, hopelessness, tears, and "peace-less"ness, and I am wondering if this is because I have been trying to live outstide of God's plan for my life. IS THIS THE POINT GOD? Are you trying to get me to live within your plan, rather than mine? This is so hard for me to do, but yet I know it is the right thing to do. I need to ask God to give me strength to do this, because it does not come naturally for me...or maybe anyone. Living in God's plan may mean having patience for days, months or years to come for both my job and my children. How then do I deal with the constant reminders I am not a mother, or my deep passion for teaching with no outlet, or my sisters and best friends having more and more babies? This is where I need God's strength the most, because even now, I can't stop crying at the thought of months or years more of this. One verse my Dad gave me was: Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. What a promise to believe in...and I need to believe in it!

It is amazing to me how much better I feel after I have sorted out all of my thoughts into writing. I want you to know, lovely readers, that I do have some hope, even as I start my period I think, maybe this month! I know that I have some work to do in order to change the way I think about my life, but realizing this is a start, and I am going to take it day-by-day! From now on I am "Committing to live in God's plan!"!

With Hope Anew,
Melody

It's time to break the unbearable silence...

I have had it, I can't hold my silence anymore. The thing is that I don't think this blog isn't read by anyone, so that gives me freedom! I know that I need to write my story, and need a place where I can vent and share...so here it goes:

Sam and I have been married for almost 5 years. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we waited a several years to start trying as I was finishing school. Many of my friends had started having babies already, but I was able to deal with it because I knew that WE weren't ready. Finally the time arrived...we were ready to start trying for a baby. I was done both degrees, I was a teacher, and I wanted to have a baby more than a career, so it was time.

My period was quite irregular, so the first few months there was a long time between cycles, but I wasn't that worried. I began to chart my basal temperatures, and check my cervix so that I could know my cycle more thoroughly. A few months passed and I began to realize that I was having the symptoms of PCOS. I was skeptical going to the doctor and suggesting this, but she tested me anyways, for which I was very grateful. The tests revealed that I had PCOS. I had an ultrasound, which showed no cysts. It was and is still confusing because usually this condition means that women have cysts which prevent ovulation. I didn't have that, so what is causing me not to ovulate?

Needless to say I took the advice of the doctor and began taking progesterone to bring about my period on time, which would help my cycles. After two months of this, and no luck, my doctor suggested Clomid. For this I had to go to a gynecologist. I went, and let me tell you, that was the most invasive appointment I have ever had. I won't go into detail, but it was crazy! He tested me for everything under the sun, and the results were all normal! The doctor prescribed Clomid, and I took this, along with the progesterone for 4 months. His outlook was optimistic, so I was also convinced that this would work! Clomid is a strong drug, so strong that you can't take it for longer than 6 months. I realized that this could be harming me, and I was not comfortable with doing two more months on a higher dosage. At this point it had been a year of trying.

It is hard to explain just how it is each month when you are trying. The period comes, signaling you aren't pregnant, but by the time that's over you realize that trying is going to begin soon, and the hope returns. That hope grows a little bit each day, and you begin to think...maybe my cervix will do what it is supposed to, maybe my temperature will spike and stay...just maybe... You try, you have sex all the days you are supposed to, stay laying down for 20 min, keep your legs in the air...do all the advice you can find! Day 21 comes, and you go for a blood test that will prove whether or not you ovulated...however the results don't come before that dreaded event occurs yet again. You get your period, tears come, hopes are crashed and yet another month has come and gone. The due date that you were toying with in your head is pushed another month further. All the baby clothes you've looked at and the pictures of other lovely families you have cried over and been jealous of, just make things worse. You feel humiliated, gut-wrenched, in great pain and despondent. The worse part is that the glimmer of hope appears again, much to your regret.

That year of trying to have a baby was made so much harder by the fact that SO many of my friends and family were getting pregnant. Everytime I went on Facebook, I saw another friend announcing their pregnancy, or posting more pictures of their new babies. Everytime I saw a picture of my family with their kids and the outings they got to do, I would just start to tear up. After each month, the feelings that the pictures and babies gave me got worse. I felt so alone and left out of this wonderful blessing. To top it off my sister-in-law got pregnant with her second, which was really difficult to take. I couldn't believe that she would get to have TWO wonderful children...I was so jealous. A little while after, my sister got pregnant. This was, and still is, the most excruciating challenge of my life. I have never cried so hard in my life, I questioned God a lot in that time. How could he do this to me? I was convinced that he hated me. Honestly, I was so upset that I was being irrational. In the coming weeks I could barely speak to my sister without balling my eyes out immediately after. I kept on feeling like life was unfair, and that I would never recover from this. It took a few months to get excited about my new niece or nephew, and believe me, I felt such guilt over this. I was trying to be happy for her, but I couldn't do it. (On a more positive note, I am now very excited and can't wait to meet him or her in a few weeks!!) It was at this point that I realized that I needed a different approach.

I had heard of a couple success stories regarding the Naturopath, so I made an appointment. I was skeptical and didn't know what to expect, but I went...what else did I have to lose? The appointment went extremely well, he was so knowledgeable, and made me have real hope again. The downside is that it was expensive, but we felt like it was worth it, especially if it worked! The first month...nothing, BUT I got my period on-time, which was something that hadn't happened without forcing it, in a long time. This was just last month, and I am in the very last half of my second month on the supplements. I am day 24 today, and 99.9% sure that I am not pregnant. My temperatures and cervical fluid didn't do what it needed to. I am at the point of hopelessness. I don't know what to do, I think I will try the Naturopath again, but the future only holds expensive fertility treatments that we can't afford.

I needed to write this down. I needed to get this out. I am dying a little bit more inside as we approach one and a half years of this journey. The only promise I can cling to is found in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I have to believe this verse, because if I don't, I don't think I could get through my days. I know that seems melodramatic, but I really can't go one hour without thinking about my body, how it failed me, how we would have had a child already, how my kids will be SO much younger than their cousins, how I have failed my husband and how I don't know what I would do if this never happened. God has to be my strength through this, but it is hard to leave my worries with him. God, forgive me for not trusting you and your plan!

Well, here it is, my messy, heartfelt and honest story. I won't apologize for it, and if anyone does read this, I hope they realize that this is an outlet for all my thoughts that eat me alive. I welcome comments and suggestions, but mostly I just needed to get this out!