Normally a woman who is trying to get pregnant would be thrilled that she is 9 days late. I, however, am not happy because I know that it is not because of pregnancy. I ran out of my pills the last week and a half of my cycle and was not able to get more until a few days after my period was due. I guess my body is confused with what's happening, and it confirms for me that the pills from the naturopath are the only things helping my period come on time. The frustrating thing is that my body is playing tricks on me. I have wanted/needed naps that last few afternoons, and I have felt sick to my stomach a couple times in these last few days. I am not letting myself go there and think that I am pregnant, but I hate that my body is playing tricks with my mind. My husband and I are going away on vacation on Wednesday, and in light of the fact that we were planning to have drinks with our anniversary dinner, I will take a test just to confirm what I already know. The thing is, I do not like taking pregnancy tests. The first few months I took tests and got the devastating "not pregnant" symbol. After several months of this I decided that I wouldn't waste the time, heartache or money. Even as I write this I cannot help but have a small sliver of hope...but I keep bringing myself back down to earth by looking at my temperatures from the month, which have done the same thing as they have every other month. I feel immensely silly for wishing for my period, but I either hope that I am pleasantly surprised, or am gearing up for another fun cycle of trying to conceive.
In other news, my sister is only 21 days until her due date. Her belly has grown so much lately, and it is becoming more and more real to me that she will have a little baby soon! I have started feeling more and more depressed that I am not even pregnant and she is ready to give birth. Our dreams of being pregnant together are not going to come true, and our little babies won't be close in age. When I found out she was pregnant, I kept telling myself that I would be pregnant at some point during her pregnancy, and I guess that it is really hitting me lately that this won't happen. On the other hand, I am thrilled to meet this little one and I know it is going to be so special!! I just need to sort through these feelings, and continue to put faith in God that he will hear my prayers and enable my body to ovulate!
