Snow Days and an Update!

When I was a kid I always hoped and prayed for snow days! I think in the entire time I was a student it happened 4 or 5 times only, but this week I have had two snow days!! Now, being the teacher, I appreciate the unexpected break but can only think about my students and the upcoming exams they have and all the things I wanted to review with them this week. Let's hope that they are being responsible and studying on their own...lol we'll see! I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and got some disappointing news. Despite the weight loss results I have seen in the last year, he wants me to lose another 40 lbs before going on any more fertility medication. This was different than my last visit, but he said he doesn't want to waste the Clomid cycles I have left. Waiting will optimize my chances on the medication, and get my body in a healthier state to become pregnant. Plus there are only a certain number of cycles you can do with Clomid. How depressing!! I want to lose weight, and have been making changes to help me do this, but another 40 lbs seems like it will take FOREVER to come off!! I am simply not willing to wait another year and I do not want to go through trying each month and have the disappointment that my body is still not ovulating on its own. We tried last month, but no success as the other day I got an un-welcomed surprise. My body needs help ovulating and I am frustrated that I need to wait. Do I go back to the other doctor who has a different approach and will give me the fertility drugs? Do I wait it out and hope that it only takes me 4 or 5 months to lose that weight? Do I go for a more radical approach to weight loss (pills, personal trainer, programs)? Even as I write this, I know the best option is to lose the weight naturally, and not consider how long it will take. I am getting healthy and that is what is important. How then, do I stop myself from crying over pictures of my niece and nephews on Facebook, simply because they are getting so much bigger and my kids will be so much younger. How do I feel happy about my SIL having her third before I even get to have one? How do I feel overjoyed for my 8 friends who are pregnant and all due before June? How can I be okay with the potential that I may not get pregnant this year? It goes on and on... The year started off with so much hope, but now I feel like there is still a long way to go on this journey. I haven't lost all hope though...I am just frustrated and my heart is sad. Can someone invent something that will make the 40 lbs just disappear?

Baby on the Brain

So it is no surprise that I have babies on the brain. In light of my positive feelings toward conceiving this year, I am beginning to allow myself to dream about what I want for the nursery, or the cute things that I want to get for the baby. I am not going crazy like I did almost 2 years ago when we started trying, but allowing myself to dream feels nice. I felt the need to blog about this because usually looking at baby bedding or gear would send me into a downward spiral of depression, but today I just feel happy and hopeful that all these dreams will come true soon :) I think I will call that growth. By the way, Pinterest is going to be the death of me for ideas! I should start now so I can have a chance to get it all done in the next decade!!

HOPE for 2012

Happy New Year! Sam and I rang in the 2012 with a quiet night together with good food, games and movies!

I can't help but approach this year with a sense of HOPE. HOPE that I will continue my weight loss journey. So far I have lost 15 lbs since starting Weight Watchers, and that brings my total to 30 lbs gone this past year! I am seeing little accomplishments here and there, like wearing a whole bunch of clothes that I saved and getting to buy new sizes, but I do want that to keep going and I know that continuing my weight loss is only going to increase my chances of having a baby. (I do not want to admit that I did gain a few pounds over Christmas, but I am getting on those PRONTO, lol ) HOPE that I will conceive this year. That all the heartache, pain and work will culminate to be one precious gift, a baby. I want to finally become the mother that I know I am supposed to be, the mother that I ache to be everyday, and each time I hold someone else's precious child. HOPE that this year my husband will become a pastor again. We have been patiently waiting for God to open the door, and I am committed to praying him into a position this year! God is working in our lives and in the situations we are in, and I am HOPEful that this is part of God's plan for our lives this year. HOPE that I will grow even closer to God this year. I settle for routine far too often, and am honestly not making the effort that I should. I do not know why I even try to go about my life without relying fully on God in every moment. This is what I truly desire to develop...a moment by moment reliance on God, as opposed to keeping it in little boxes of time I set aside. God has renewed my sense of HOPE that was all but destroyed in 2011, and for that I am truly grateful! I do not want to be where I was last year, instead I want to move forward and anticipate the best year of my life!