Well here's the news...I got my period yesterday. I have mixed emotions about this. Obviously I am devastated, yet again, that I am not pregnant. My other feeling is: hooray, my period came when it was supposed to, which hasn't been happening for a very long time! I am trying hard to see the positive, but can't help feeling sad that a February baby is out of the picture. This week has been especially hard as I also found out that I didn't get a teaching job that I applied for, instead a fellow candidate that I know got it. The combination of this and the emotions that come with having a period have provided for a REALLY emotional week! Today at school I was on the verge of tears ALL day...life is so hard right now!
In light of both of these situations I called the most wise person I know, my dad. He has been the most amazing spiritual example for me ever since I can remember. He is so faithful; he gets up every morning to spend an hour with the Lord. I am not kidding when I say that he has only missed a couple mornings since becoming a christian at 18. He is the epitome of what I would want to have in my relationship with God. All I have to do is say: "Dad, you remember that verse that say God is faithful..." (or something like that), and he knows exactly what reference it is. I called my dad a couple nights ago and we had a two-hour conversation about all of this stuff. Some of it was hard to hear, but there was one thing that really stuck with me: God is not punishing me through infertility, or through my missed job, he just might be trying to show me or teach me something. I have felt for the longest time that I was being punished for something...something in the way that I lived or something that I did. My dad firmly believes that God loves me, and punishing me for sin, which everyone has, is not something he would do to me. A little bit of weight came off of my shoulders. I still believe that I need to be delighting in God, and trying to follow his commands for my life...but I don't need to tear myself apart every-time I think of my sin.
My Dad also mentioned that perhaps God is trying to teach me something. I have been thinking A LOT about this, and I am beginning to feel that God is trying to show me that I have to rely completely on him, and believe in his plan for my life. I am going to be honest, I have had a plan for my life for a long time, and I have counted on those things happening. Other than getting married to Sam, and when I wanted to, NOTHING ELSE HAS HAPPENED IN MY TIME! I wanted to get married, finish school, get a full time job, have a baby, go on mat leave, go back to work, and just keep having babies. I was going to have 4 before 32, and have a happy little family! Hello, reality check Melody...this was all without consulting God on his timing. Somehow in the past few years I have forgotten that, even though I feel these things are God's plan for me, they may not happen as soon as I want. I feel wholeheartedly that I am meant to be a Mommy, God has given me such a connection to children, and SO many motherly feelings, that I know this to be true. I am trying to remind myself that, just because it is not happening now, it doesn't meant that it will never happen. If my inability to become pregnant continues, does it mean I still won't be able to have children in other ways? Even though both of these scenarios are so hard to think about, and bring me to tears, I have to remember that God is in control, and his plan is what is right for my life!
In the past couple years I have had little relief from constant anxiety, hopelessness, tears, and "peace-less"ness, and I am wondering if this is because I have been trying to live outstide of God's plan for my life. IS THIS THE POINT GOD? Are you trying to get me to live within your plan, rather than mine? This is so hard for me to do, but yet I know it is the right thing to do. I need to ask God to give me strength to do this, because it does not come naturally for me...or maybe anyone. Living in God's plan may mean having patience for days, months or years to come for both my job and my children. How then do I deal with the constant reminders I am not a mother, or my deep passion for teaching with no outlet, or my sisters and best friends having more and more babies? This is where I need God's strength the most, because even now, I can't stop crying at the thought of months or years more of this. One verse my Dad gave me was: Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. What a promise to believe in...and I need to believe in it!
It is amazing to me how much better I feel after I have sorted out all of my thoughts into writing. I want you to know, lovely readers, that I do have some hope, even as I start my period I think, maybe this month! I know that I have some work to do in order to change the way I think about my life, but realizing this is a start, and I am going to take it day-by-day! From now on I am "Committing to live in God's plan!"!
With Hope Anew,
Melody
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
It's time to break the unbearable silence...
I have had it, I can't hold my silence anymore. The thing is that I don't think this blog isn't read by anyone, so that gives me freedom! I know that I need to write my story, and need a place where I can vent and share...so here it goes:
Sam and I have been married for almost 5 years. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we waited a several years to start trying as I was finishing school. Many of my friends had started having babies already, but I was able to deal with it because I knew that WE weren't ready. Finally the time arrived...we were ready to start trying for a baby. I was done both degrees, I was a teacher, and I wanted to have a baby more than a career, so it was time.
My period was quite irregular, so the first few months there was a long time between cycles, but I wasn't that worried. I began to chart my basal temperatures, and check my cervix so that I could know my cycle more thoroughly. A few months passed and I began to realize that I was having the symptoms of PCOS. I was skeptical going to the doctor and suggesting this, but she tested me anyways, for which I was very grateful. The tests revealed that I had PCOS. I had an ultrasound, which showed no cysts. It was and is still confusing because usually this condition means that women have cysts which prevent ovulation. I didn't have that, so what is causing me not to ovulate?
Needless to say I took the advice of the doctor and began taking progesterone to bring about my period on time, which would help my cycles. After two months of this, and no luck, my doctor suggested Clomid. For this I had to go to a gynecologist. I went, and let me tell you, that was the most invasive appointment I have ever had. I won't go into detail, but it was crazy! He tested me for everything under the sun, and the results were all normal! The doctor prescribed Clomid, and I took this, along with the progesterone for 4 months. His outlook was optimistic, so I was also convinced that this would work! Clomid is a strong drug, so strong that you can't take it for longer than 6 months. I realized that this could be harming me, and I was not comfortable with doing two more months on a higher dosage. At this point it had been a year of trying.
It is hard to explain just how it is each month when you are trying. The period comes, signaling you aren't pregnant, but by the time that's over you realize that trying is going to begin soon, and the hope returns. That hope grows a little bit each day, and you begin to think...maybe my cervix will do what it is supposed to, maybe my temperature will spike and stay...just maybe... You try, you have sex all the days you are supposed to, stay laying down for 20 min, keep your legs in the air...do all the advice you can find! Day 21 comes, and you go for a blood test that will prove whether or not you ovulated...however the results don't come before that dreaded event occurs yet again. You get your period, tears come, hopes are crashed and yet another month has come and gone. The due date that you were toying with in your head is pushed another month further. All the baby clothes you've looked at and the pictures of other lovely families you have cried over and been jealous of, just make things worse. You feel humiliated, gut-wrenched, in great pain and despondent. The worse part is that the glimmer of hope appears again, much to your regret.
That year of trying to have a baby was made so much harder by the fact that SO many of my friends and family were getting pregnant. Everytime I went on Facebook, I saw another friend announcing their pregnancy, or posting more pictures of their new babies. Everytime I saw a picture of my family with their kids and the outings they got to do, I would just start to tear up. After each month, the feelings that the pictures and babies gave me got worse. I felt so alone and left out of this wonderful blessing. To top it off my sister-in-law got pregnant with her second, which was really difficult to take. I couldn't believe that she would get to have TWO wonderful children...I was so jealous. A little while after, my sister got pregnant. This was, and still is, the most excruciating challenge of my life. I have never cried so hard in my life, I questioned God a lot in that time. How could he do this to me? I was convinced that he hated me. Honestly, I was so upset that I was being irrational. In the coming weeks I could barely speak to my sister without balling my eyes out immediately after. I kept on feeling like life was unfair, and that I would never recover from this. It took a few months to get excited about my new niece or nephew, and believe me, I felt such guilt over this. I was trying to be happy for her, but I couldn't do it. (On a more positive note, I am now very excited and can't wait to meet him or her in a few weeks!!) It was at this point that I realized that I needed a different approach.
I had heard of a couple success stories regarding the Naturopath, so I made an appointment. I was skeptical and didn't know what to expect, but I went...what else did I have to lose? The appointment went extremely well, he was so knowledgeable, and made me have real hope again. The downside is that it was expensive, but we felt like it was worth it, especially if it worked! The first month...nothing, BUT I got my period on-time, which was something that hadn't happened without forcing it, in a long time. This was just last month, and I am in the very last half of my second month on the supplements. I am day 24 today, and 99.9% sure that I am not pregnant. My temperatures and cervical fluid didn't do what it needed to. I am at the point of hopelessness. I don't know what to do, I think I will try the Naturopath again, but the future only holds expensive fertility treatments that we can't afford.
I needed to write this down. I needed to get this out. I am dying a little bit more inside as we approach one and a half years of this journey. The only promise I can cling to is found in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I have to believe this verse, because if I don't, I don't think I could get through my days. I know that seems melodramatic, but I really can't go one hour without thinking about my body, how it failed me, how we would have had a child already, how my kids will be SO much younger than their cousins, how I have failed my husband and how I don't know what I would do if this never happened. God has to be my strength through this, but it is hard to leave my worries with him. God, forgive me for not trusting you and your plan!
Well, here it is, my messy, heartfelt and honest story. I won't apologize for it, and if anyone does read this, I hope they realize that this is an outlet for all my thoughts that eat me alive. I welcome comments and suggestions, but mostly I just needed to get this out!
Sam and I have been married for almost 5 years. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we waited a several years to start trying as I was finishing school. Many of my friends had started having babies already, but I was able to deal with it because I knew that WE weren't ready. Finally the time arrived...we were ready to start trying for a baby. I was done both degrees, I was a teacher, and I wanted to have a baby more than a career, so it was time.
My period was quite irregular, so the first few months there was a long time between cycles, but I wasn't that worried. I began to chart my basal temperatures, and check my cervix so that I could know my cycle more thoroughly. A few months passed and I began to realize that I was having the symptoms of PCOS. I was skeptical going to the doctor and suggesting this, but she tested me anyways, for which I was very grateful. The tests revealed that I had PCOS. I had an ultrasound, which showed no cysts. It was and is still confusing because usually this condition means that women have cysts which prevent ovulation. I didn't have that, so what is causing me not to ovulate?
Needless to say I took the advice of the doctor and began taking progesterone to bring about my period on time, which would help my cycles. After two months of this, and no luck, my doctor suggested Clomid. For this I had to go to a gynecologist. I went, and let me tell you, that was the most invasive appointment I have ever had. I won't go into detail, but it was crazy! He tested me for everything under the sun, and the results were all normal! The doctor prescribed Clomid, and I took this, along with the progesterone for 4 months. His outlook was optimistic, so I was also convinced that this would work! Clomid is a strong drug, so strong that you can't take it for longer than 6 months. I realized that this could be harming me, and I was not comfortable with doing two more months on a higher dosage. At this point it had been a year of trying.
It is hard to explain just how it is each month when you are trying. The period comes, signaling you aren't pregnant, but by the time that's over you realize that trying is going to begin soon, and the hope returns. That hope grows a little bit each day, and you begin to think...maybe my cervix will do what it is supposed to, maybe my temperature will spike and stay...just maybe... You try, you have sex all the days you are supposed to, stay laying down for 20 min, keep your legs in the air...do all the advice you can find! Day 21 comes, and you go for a blood test that will prove whether or not you ovulated...however the results don't come before that dreaded event occurs yet again. You get your period, tears come, hopes are crashed and yet another month has come and gone. The due date that you were toying with in your head is pushed another month further. All the baby clothes you've looked at and the pictures of other lovely families you have cried over and been jealous of, just make things worse. You feel humiliated, gut-wrenched, in great pain and despondent. The worse part is that the glimmer of hope appears again, much to your regret.
That year of trying to have a baby was made so much harder by the fact that SO many of my friends and family were getting pregnant. Everytime I went on Facebook, I saw another friend announcing their pregnancy, or posting more pictures of their new babies. Everytime I saw a picture of my family with their kids and the outings they got to do, I would just start to tear up. After each month, the feelings that the pictures and babies gave me got worse. I felt so alone and left out of this wonderful blessing. To top it off my sister-in-law got pregnant with her second, which was really difficult to take. I couldn't believe that she would get to have TWO wonderful children...I was so jealous. A little while after, my sister got pregnant. This was, and still is, the most excruciating challenge of my life. I have never cried so hard in my life, I questioned God a lot in that time. How could he do this to me? I was convinced that he hated me. Honestly, I was so upset that I was being irrational. In the coming weeks I could barely speak to my sister without balling my eyes out immediately after. I kept on feeling like life was unfair, and that I would never recover from this. It took a few months to get excited about my new niece or nephew, and believe me, I felt such guilt over this. I was trying to be happy for her, but I couldn't do it. (On a more positive note, I am now very excited and can't wait to meet him or her in a few weeks!!) It was at this point that I realized that I needed a different approach.
I had heard of a couple success stories regarding the Naturopath, so I made an appointment. I was skeptical and didn't know what to expect, but I went...what else did I have to lose? The appointment went extremely well, he was so knowledgeable, and made me have real hope again. The downside is that it was expensive, but we felt like it was worth it, especially if it worked! The first month...nothing, BUT I got my period on-time, which was something that hadn't happened without forcing it, in a long time. This was just last month, and I am in the very last half of my second month on the supplements. I am day 24 today, and 99.9% sure that I am not pregnant. My temperatures and cervical fluid didn't do what it needed to. I am at the point of hopelessness. I don't know what to do, I think I will try the Naturopath again, but the future only holds expensive fertility treatments that we can't afford.
I needed to write this down. I needed to get this out. I am dying a little bit more inside as we approach one and a half years of this journey. The only promise I can cling to is found in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I have to believe this verse, because if I don't, I don't think I could get through my days. I know that seems melodramatic, but I really can't go one hour without thinking about my body, how it failed me, how we would have had a child already, how my kids will be SO much younger than their cousins, how I have failed my husband and how I don't know what I would do if this never happened. God has to be my strength through this, but it is hard to leave my worries with him. God, forgive me for not trusting you and your plan!
Well, here it is, my messy, heartfelt and honest story. I won't apologize for it, and if anyone does read this, I hope they realize that this is an outlet for all my thoughts that eat me alive. I welcome comments and suggestions, but mostly I just needed to get this out!
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