2 years - 24 months - 730 days

When do I stop? When do I stop? When do I realize it's enough? Why does it have to be me who has it so tough? There are many out there who are evil and cruel. Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse? A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy. A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done. A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there. God give me one, just one to cherish all my days And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise. Make it stop this intense longing and fear. Please give me a child that I can hold near! By: Shelley Cross

This week is a little better!

This week has definitely been better! I have lost a few pounds and I stuck to eating less in general. I haven't made 100% perfect choices, but I am happy that I am getting back into it. One thing that has been sad is that I have been stuck with a dry cough for the last week and a half. As a result, I haven't been able to workout in the mornings as I just end up having coughing fits. I ACTUALLY MISS IT! It was a good routine that I had going there for a while and I can't wait to get back into it. I still have my goal of 20lbs gone by my next doctor's appt and I REALLY want it to happen...I think I have this faint hope that he will see the 50lbs (at that point) that I will have lost and let me go on fertility drugs then. Silly, I know. If I separate myself from the almost unbearable pain of not having children yet, I do see the advantages of losing this weight before I get pregnant. I don't want to be uncomfortable when I am pregnant, or feel that the labor is too difficult because of my weight...I want EVERY moment of my eventual pregnancy to be amazing. I don't want to look at pictures and think I just looked fat, instead of having a cute bump. So, I do see the advantages, I just find it so hard to deal with feeling left out. I am working on it, but the next few weeks are going to be filled with joy and sorrow...3 new babies born. Oh yeah, since I blogged I have found out about three more friends who are pregnant...if you haven't been keeping count that is now 12. I am, however, very excited to meet my new niece or nephew and my friend Laura's baby. More babies to have cuddles with on a regular basis :) In other news, I may be going on this sailing trip with some of the Gr.9's and 10's at my school. The female chaperone fell through and I don't really have anything tying me down like all the other moms, so I said I would pray about it this weekend. Part of me is excited about the prospect, the other part of me is really grossed out about the fact that I can't have a shower for 5 days...YUCK!

This week sucks.

I have not followed my diet plan. I only worked out twice. I have gained a few pounds. I suspect I need to go back on my metformin to control my blood sugar...I hoped I was done with that. I simply do not feel good inside this week (a result of not eating properly). I wish I had better self-control. Still incredibly upset about all the pregos and babies. Praying about it now. NEXT WEEK WILL BE BETTER, RIGHT???

Facebook, Why do you hate me?

Two pregnancy announcements in one morning...I think I will quietly cry myself to sleep at 10am in the morning. Sometimes I cannot deal. Even more awesome is the fact that I am home alone today. How will I ever survive the next few months...9 friends are pregnant. 9. 9.

Snow Days and an Update!

When I was a kid I always hoped and prayed for snow days! I think in the entire time I was a student it happened 4 or 5 times only, but this week I have had two snow days!! Now, being the teacher, I appreciate the unexpected break but can only think about my students and the upcoming exams they have and all the things I wanted to review with them this week. Let's hope that they are being responsible and studying on their own...lol we'll see! I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and got some disappointing news. Despite the weight loss results I have seen in the last year, he wants me to lose another 40 lbs before going on any more fertility medication. This was different than my last visit, but he said he doesn't want to waste the Clomid cycles I have left. Waiting will optimize my chances on the medication, and get my body in a healthier state to become pregnant. Plus there are only a certain number of cycles you can do with Clomid. How depressing!! I want to lose weight, and have been making changes to help me do this, but another 40 lbs seems like it will take FOREVER to come off!! I am simply not willing to wait another year and I do not want to go through trying each month and have the disappointment that my body is still not ovulating on its own. We tried last month, but no success as the other day I got an un-welcomed surprise. My body needs help ovulating and I am frustrated that I need to wait. Do I go back to the other doctor who has a different approach and will give me the fertility drugs? Do I wait it out and hope that it only takes me 4 or 5 months to lose that weight? Do I go for a more radical approach to weight loss (pills, personal trainer, programs)? Even as I write this, I know the best option is to lose the weight naturally, and not consider how long it will take. I am getting healthy and that is what is important. How then, do I stop myself from crying over pictures of my niece and nephews on Facebook, simply because they are getting so much bigger and my kids will be so much younger. How do I feel happy about my SIL having her third before I even get to have one? How do I feel overjoyed for my 8 friends who are pregnant and all due before June? How can I be okay with the potential that I may not get pregnant this year? It goes on and on... The year started off with so much hope, but now I feel like there is still a long way to go on this journey. I haven't lost all hope though...I am just frustrated and my heart is sad. Can someone invent something that will make the 40 lbs just disappear?

Baby on the Brain

So it is no surprise that I have babies on the brain. In light of my positive feelings toward conceiving this year, I am beginning to allow myself to dream about what I want for the nursery, or the cute things that I want to get for the baby. I am not going crazy like I did almost 2 years ago when we started trying, but allowing myself to dream feels nice. I felt the need to blog about this because usually looking at baby bedding or gear would send me into a downward spiral of depression, but today I just feel happy and hopeful that all these dreams will come true soon :) I think I will call that growth. By the way, Pinterest is going to be the death of me for ideas! I should start now so I can have a chance to get it all done in the next decade!!

HOPE for 2012

Happy New Year! Sam and I rang in the 2012 with a quiet night together with good food, games and movies!

I can't help but approach this year with a sense of HOPE. HOPE that I will continue my weight loss journey. So far I have lost 15 lbs since starting Weight Watchers, and that brings my total to 30 lbs gone this past year! I am seeing little accomplishments here and there, like wearing a whole bunch of clothes that I saved and getting to buy new sizes, but I do want that to keep going and I know that continuing my weight loss is only going to increase my chances of having a baby. (I do not want to admit that I did gain a few pounds over Christmas, but I am getting on those PRONTO, lol ) HOPE that I will conceive this year. That all the heartache, pain and work will culminate to be one precious gift, a baby. I want to finally become the mother that I know I am supposed to be, the mother that I ache to be everyday, and each time I hold someone else's precious child. HOPE that this year my husband will become a pastor again. We have been patiently waiting for God to open the door, and I am committed to praying him into a position this year! God is working in our lives and in the situations we are in, and I am HOPEful that this is part of God's plan for our lives this year. HOPE that I will grow even closer to God this year. I settle for routine far too often, and am honestly not making the effort that I should. I do not know why I even try to go about my life without relying fully on God in every moment. This is what I truly desire to develop...a moment by moment reliance on God, as opposed to keeping it in little boxes of time I set aside. God has renewed my sense of HOPE that was all but destroyed in 2011, and for that I am truly grateful! I do not want to be where I was last year, instead I want to move forward and anticipate the best year of my life!