What a good day, and it's only 10am!

I am already having a great day and it's only 10am! I went to Weight Watchers this morning and I lost 3 lbs exactly! I was definitely not expecting that at all! I bought a bunch of Weight Watcher snacks at the meeting, learned some useful tips and was feeling SO GOOD that I got home and immediately went for a run/walk! I am now going to "splurge" and have squirrly bread with cheese whiz, YUM!

Knitting: The Dieting Miracle?

It's not really news that I am trying to lose weight. Really this is something that I have been "trying" to do my entire late teen/adult life. This time it is connected to something bigger, having a baby, so I am trying to be really serious about it! In light of this, I joined Weight Watchers last week. I have had some moderate success on my own the last year, but I feel like I need the accountability of a program. I have my first weigh-in tomorrow morning and I am not optimistic for huge numbers, although I am sure that I did lose weight. Mental Note: Don't start Weight Watchers on the week of Thanksgiving :)

It is amazing to me how much my thinking has changed even in this past week. I have always been concerned with eating healthy meals, but this week I was so much more aware of what I was choosing to eat. For instance, tonight Sam and I wandered around the grocery store for 45 minutes just to figure out what to eat...everything we wanted turned out to be high in points. Surprisingly we ended up with a pasta-veggie-alfredo toss for only 9 points!! It was delicious and I feel like I ate a gigantic meal!!

I have also been trying to think of ways that I can curb my late-night eating. If there is one thing that I love, and crave, it is eating something sweet at the end of the night. I know all the research says that eating after dinner is awful for weight loss and for digestion, but I have such a sweet tooth!! Anyways, I was driving home from work today and all of a sudden it hit me: when I have a knitting project on the go, my hands are busy, I don't think about snacking, and I don't eat the extra points! I LOVE knitting and I LOVE that it helps me stop snacking! It is my dieting miracle!! I have three new projects in mind already: a blanket for my niece (her request lol, and how could I resist?), a cowl for myself, and a Christmas present that I won't share just in case the person is reading this! I hope that this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between my shrinking body and my knitting needles :)

Cheers to weight loss and knitting!!

Wondering...

Tonight I got some information from a friend about a fertility drug that her sister used to get pregnant. It is called Femara. I immediately researched it and have found conflicting reports (like anything). Almost every woman with PCOS that commented in chatrooms or in threads got pregnant on the first try. This is, of course, tempting to just jump on the bandwagon, however there has been some studies saying that it can cause birth defects if it happens to stay in your system when the egg is fertilized. I have tried Clomid before and there are many risks with it, and much more side effects...but I guess I am little nervous about taking something new.

I am hopefully going for my "dye" test (to see if there are any blockages) next week, and Sam is going for a test as well...then I have a doctor's appointment at the end of October. I am going to talk to him about this new drug, and perhaps it will be a new part of our journey to get pregnant :)

Lately, I have been trying not to focus on the getting-a-baby-thing and I have been doing a pretty good job of it. I have joined Weight Watchers, and am hoping to lose 20 or 25lbs by Christmas. I am on a journey and that is what I have been focusing on...BUT holidays are always difficult and I found it hard to be "thankful" for our lack of children and my families' uncanny ability to get pregnant. I got through it though, and am hoping that more answers and some new treatments will begin to happen in the next month!

On a happier note!

I forgot to mention that I am an Auntie again! I have mentioned that my sister is pregnant on the blog before, but I still haven't posted any info! Isaiah Edward Arthur Neufeld was born on July 18, 2011. I was in the room with my sister and it was the most amazing thing that I have ever seen. My sister is an amazing woman!! I love my little nephew, and I have such a special bond with him. For medical reasons, my sister needed someone to stay with them the first few nights he was born, and I was the one who got to. I took care of him a lot in those first few days, and I was the one getting up with him at night, changing him and settling him so my sister could sleep between feeds. I will always be grateful for that time with him! It solidified for me, even more, that I am going to love motherhood despite those late nights, poopy diapers and crying fits!

A realization...

For the past year I have had dozens of friends and acquaintances who were pregnant. At one point 12 friends were pregnant at the same time! Facebook was the hardest thing, because almost every time I went on, someone else announced their pregnancy, or posted photos of their beautiful baby! This summer tons of my friends had their babies, and I thought perhaps I won't be agonized for a little while. No such luck, within a couple weeks I had 5 more friends announce their pregnancies...wow! One of them being family, which makes it even harder! I have to say that I have been dealing with these announcements better than I was 6 months ago, but the more that happen, the harder that it gets to put on a happy face and give well wishes.

SO, my realization...there will not be a time in the near future when I don't know a dozen prego friends - it's the time of life I am in. I am in the time of life to have children, yet it hasn't happened for me. I get comments monthly from others who also notice that it is my "time" to have children, and they wonder when we are going to have kids. The thing that bugs me about that is that everyone assumes that it is the easiest thing in the whole world. I snap my fingers, and I have a baby...if only! I am very confident in the journey that I am on to have children, but my confidence and contentment about this is shaken each time one more person announces their pregnancy. It brings up all those little feelings of jealousy, envy, and despair...all of which are not characteristics of the woman I want to be. I want to dwell on God and his great power to know my desires and heal me. I pray that he will put a sparkle in my eye, in my heart and in my arms!

Psalm 13

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

New School Year...New Fertility Approach

I am heading into a new school year, my third as a teacher, and I can't help feel that "turn over a new leaf" feeling. September has always been one of my favorite times of year because of new school supplies (I have a weakness for pens and notepads), new school clothes, and a new class! This year, I am the teacher in this scenario, but those feelings are still evoked nonetheless. In keeping with this new leaf, I decided to go to a different doctor. This was one of the best things I could have done. He has such a different approach to whats going on with me. In our first session, I felt like more was done than there had been in the past year. He is confident that I will get pregnant, and he was honest that it is going to mean some hard work and dedication from me. He was blunt about my need to exercise and lose weight, and doesn't believe in pumping me full of hormones or fertility drugs just yet. He wants to see me in two months and see progress with my weight. Talk about incentive...I can't just show up and not have lost any weight. Honestly, I don't really know why this time is different...its not like I didn't know that I needed to lose weight, but having a doctor give you a deadline is kind of a wake up call. He suggested that I join Weight Watchers and join a gym, and make these a major priority in my life. I have to treat this like a problem I have. I have never really thought of my weight this way, its always more been a weakness in my eyes. I have to treat this like I have high blood pressure, or type 2 diabetes...something that I need to work to maintain.

So, in light of my new doctor and my new beginnings I am going to join WW and begin an exercise regime. I am going to be honest, every other time that I have attempted to maintain exercise or weight loss, I have failed. I am still working through and thinking of ways that I am going to be able to keep this up. My major incentive, of course, is having a baby, but I am thinking that I need to put up reminders around the house that remind me of this! Or perhaps a reward system: every month I lose weight I get to buy something for our future baby. I am still thinking through this, but if there is anyone out there who reads this and has ideas for perseverance, I would appreciate anything :)

This summer has flown by and I can hardly believe that I am looking toward a new school year in just a few weeks! I have many hopes, dreams and goals for this year, and as soon as I have them all figured out I am going to blog about them so I have a constant reminder of what I really want out of this year! Now to narrow down all the things I want to do/have...could be a big task!!

Mel :)

9 days late and frustrated!

Normally a woman who is trying to get pregnant would be thrilled that she is 9 days late. I, however, am not happy because I know that it is not because of pregnancy. I ran out of my pills the last week and a half of my cycle and was not able to get more until a few days after my period was due. I guess my body is confused with what's happening, and it confirms for me that the pills from the naturopath are the only things helping my period come on time. The frustrating thing is that my body is playing tricks on me. I have wanted/needed naps that last few afternoons, and I have felt sick to my stomach a couple times in these last few days. I am not letting myself go there and think that I am pregnant, but I hate that my body is playing tricks with my mind. My husband and I are going away on vacation on Wednesday, and in light of the fact that we were planning to have drinks with our anniversary dinner, I will take a test just to confirm what I already know. The thing is, I do not like taking pregnancy tests. The first few months I took tests and got the devastating "not pregnant" symbol. After several months of this I decided that I wouldn't waste the time, heartache or money. Even as I write this I cannot help but have a small sliver of hope...but I keep bringing myself back down to earth by looking at my temperatures from the month, which have done the same thing as they have every other month. I feel immensely silly for wishing for my period, but I either hope that I am pleasantly surprised, or am gearing up for another fun cycle of trying to conceive.

In other news, my sister is only 21 days until her due date. Her belly has grown so much lately, and it is becoming more and more real to me that she will have a little baby soon! I have started feeling more and more depressed that I am not even pregnant and she is ready to give birth. Our dreams of being pregnant together are not going to come true, and our little babies won't be close in age. When I found out she was pregnant, I kept telling myself that I would be pregnant at some point during her pregnancy, and I guess that it is really hitting me lately that this won't happen. On the other hand, I am thrilled to meet this little one and I know it is going to be so special!! I just need to sort through these feelings, and continue to put faith in God that he will hear my prayers and enable my body to ovulate!