Another holiday done...

I have heard from many other TTC friends that holidays are always hard. For some reason these times of the year often send me into feelings of frustration, and mostly sadness. I LOVE hanging out with my two respective families, but find it upsetting that I don't have cute children to dress up, do easter egg hunts with, or simply enjoy around the holidays. As I look back on the pictures of these events, I get sad that I don't have those types of memories yet. I also am reminded that as each holiday passes, so has another year of hoping that I will get pregnant. Last Easter I distinctly remember thinking that I would be pregnant next year...perhaps even have a baby at that point. As Mother's Day approaches...a day that is probably the absolute hardest for me...I remember thinking that it would be the last one I would have to go through without the promise of having a child. Some of you may be thinking, why torture yourself with these thoughts...but it is my way of coping and being optismistic about concieving. I wish I was the kind of person who didn't get so upset about this, but I am so emotionally attached and connected to the desire to have a baby, a child, a legacy. This past weekend I was actually fine on both of the days that I was spending time with family, but for some reason I broke down during the message on Sunday morning. It wasn't anything Pastor Mark said and I wasn't even concentrating it on at that moment, but all of a sudden I was crying and could barely hold my tears in. Maybe God was trying to tell me something...but I am still not clear on that yet. I was surrounded by all of our friends, who all have children, so maybe it was in the back of my head and I was upset about it. Either way, I made it through another holiday and I hope, pray, wish, that it won't be too many more before I get to have a family to share them with. In other news, I went to see my doctor today. I walked into his office ashamed that, in the past two months, I have basically lost nothing...WHY!!!!! I SO want to have children, yet the one thing standing in the way is losing more weight so I can increase my chances of ovulating...why isn't this enough motivation!! My doctor is amazing, encouraging and told me today that in no uncertain terms that our goal is preggo before my 28th birthday. He told me to keep this goal in mind every moment...and I will. I think the only way I can describe my lack of follow-thru on losing weight in the last two months is that I let the "depression" part of my feelings take over more than the "positive" feelings...and since I am an emotional eater, this spells disaster! So, dear blog readers (the few that there are), I am going to try really hard and will need all the support I can get to stay motivated...in return, I will try and update my progess as much as I can! I have another doctor's appointment on July 17th, and my personal goal for that time is finally getting back to my wedding weight. That means 34lbs...I CAN DO IT!!!! I am going back to Weight Watchers and (as per doctors orders!!!!), Sam and I are committing to walking together as many nights as we can. Today we went for a 45 min power walk, and it felt awesome :) So many things to do, but the payoff will be incredible!!!! Thanks for listening to my rants ;)

Leah Alyssa Bell

Isn't she precious?

The time has come!

A new baby is in the process of being born...my niece or nephew! I only had one moment of tears this afternoon, but other than that I really am super excited to meet this little one! I will get my baby fix for another little while :)

2 years - 24 months - 730 days

When do I stop? When do I stop? When do I realize it's enough? Why does it have to be me who has it so tough? There are many out there who are evil and cruel. Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse? A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy. A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done. A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there. God give me one, just one to cherish all my days And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise. Make it stop this intense longing and fear. Please give me a child that I can hold near! By: Shelley Cross

This week is a little better!

This week has definitely been better! I have lost a few pounds and I stuck to eating less in general. I haven't made 100% perfect choices, but I am happy that I am getting back into it. One thing that has been sad is that I have been stuck with a dry cough for the last week and a half. As a result, I haven't been able to workout in the mornings as I just end up having coughing fits. I ACTUALLY MISS IT! It was a good routine that I had going there for a while and I can't wait to get back into it. I still have my goal of 20lbs gone by my next doctor's appt and I REALLY want it to happen...I think I have this faint hope that he will see the 50lbs (at that point) that I will have lost and let me go on fertility drugs then. Silly, I know. If I separate myself from the almost unbearable pain of not having children yet, I do see the advantages of losing this weight before I get pregnant. I don't want to be uncomfortable when I am pregnant, or feel that the labor is too difficult because of my weight...I want EVERY moment of my eventual pregnancy to be amazing. I don't want to look at pictures and think I just looked fat, instead of having a cute bump. So, I do see the advantages, I just find it so hard to deal with feeling left out. I am working on it, but the next few weeks are going to be filled with joy and sorrow...3 new babies born. Oh yeah, since I blogged I have found out about three more friends who are pregnant...if you haven't been keeping count that is now 12. I am, however, very excited to meet my new niece or nephew and my friend Laura's baby. More babies to have cuddles with on a regular basis :) In other news, I may be going on this sailing trip with some of the Gr.9's and 10's at my school. The female chaperone fell through and I don't really have anything tying me down like all the other moms, so I said I would pray about it this weekend. Part of me is excited about the prospect, the other part of me is really grossed out about the fact that I can't have a shower for 5 days...YUCK!

This week sucks.

I have not followed my diet plan. I only worked out twice. I have gained a few pounds. I suspect I need to go back on my metformin to control my blood sugar...I hoped I was done with that. I simply do not feel good inside this week (a result of not eating properly). I wish I had better self-control. Still incredibly upset about all the pregos and babies. Praying about it now. NEXT WEEK WILL BE BETTER, RIGHT???

Facebook, Why do you hate me?

Two pregnancy announcements in one morning...I think I will quietly cry myself to sleep at 10am in the morning. Sometimes I cannot deal. Even more awesome is the fact that I am home alone today. How will I ever survive the next few months...9 friends are pregnant. 9. 9.