It's time to break the unbearable silence...

I have had it, I can't hold my silence anymore. The thing is that I don't think this blog isn't read by anyone, so that gives me freedom! I know that I need to write my story, and need a place where I can vent and share...so here it goes:

Sam and I have been married for almost 5 years. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we waited a several years to start trying as I was finishing school. Many of my friends had started having babies already, but I was able to deal with it because I knew that WE weren't ready. Finally the time arrived...we were ready to start trying for a baby. I was done both degrees, I was a teacher, and I wanted to have a baby more than a career, so it was time.

My period was quite irregular, so the first few months there was a long time between cycles, but I wasn't that worried. I began to chart my basal temperatures, and check my cervix so that I could know my cycle more thoroughly. A few months passed and I began to realize that I was having the symptoms of PCOS. I was skeptical going to the doctor and suggesting this, but she tested me anyways, for which I was very grateful. The tests revealed that I had PCOS. I had an ultrasound, which showed no cysts. It was and is still confusing because usually this condition means that women have cysts which prevent ovulation. I didn't have that, so what is causing me not to ovulate?

Needless to say I took the advice of the doctor and began taking progesterone to bring about my period on time, which would help my cycles. After two months of this, and no luck, my doctor suggested Clomid. For this I had to go to a gynecologist. I went, and let me tell you, that was the most invasive appointment I have ever had. I won't go into detail, but it was crazy! He tested me for everything under the sun, and the results were all normal! The doctor prescribed Clomid, and I took this, along with the progesterone for 4 months. His outlook was optimistic, so I was also convinced that this would work! Clomid is a strong drug, so strong that you can't take it for longer than 6 months. I realized that this could be harming me, and I was not comfortable with doing two more months on a higher dosage. At this point it had been a year of trying.

It is hard to explain just how it is each month when you are trying. The period comes, signaling you aren't pregnant, but by the time that's over you realize that trying is going to begin soon, and the hope returns. That hope grows a little bit each day, and you begin to think...maybe my cervix will do what it is supposed to, maybe my temperature will spike and stay...just maybe... You try, you have sex all the days you are supposed to, stay laying down for 20 min, keep your legs in the air...do all the advice you can find! Day 21 comes, and you go for a blood test that will prove whether or not you ovulated...however the results don't come before that dreaded event occurs yet again. You get your period, tears come, hopes are crashed and yet another month has come and gone. The due date that you were toying with in your head is pushed another month further. All the baby clothes you've looked at and the pictures of other lovely families you have cried over and been jealous of, just make things worse. You feel humiliated, gut-wrenched, in great pain and despondent. The worse part is that the glimmer of hope appears again, much to your regret.

That year of trying to have a baby was made so much harder by the fact that SO many of my friends and family were getting pregnant. Everytime I went on Facebook, I saw another friend announcing their pregnancy, or posting more pictures of their new babies. Everytime I saw a picture of my family with their kids and the outings they got to do, I would just start to tear up. After each month, the feelings that the pictures and babies gave me got worse. I felt so alone and left out of this wonderful blessing. To top it off my sister-in-law got pregnant with her second, which was really difficult to take. I couldn't believe that she would get to have TWO wonderful children...I was so jealous. A little while after, my sister got pregnant. This was, and still is, the most excruciating challenge of my life. I have never cried so hard in my life, I questioned God a lot in that time. How could he do this to me? I was convinced that he hated me. Honestly, I was so upset that I was being irrational. In the coming weeks I could barely speak to my sister without balling my eyes out immediately after. I kept on feeling like life was unfair, and that I would never recover from this. It took a few months to get excited about my new niece or nephew, and believe me, I felt such guilt over this. I was trying to be happy for her, but I couldn't do it. (On a more positive note, I am now very excited and can't wait to meet him or her in a few weeks!!) It was at this point that I realized that I needed a different approach.

I had heard of a couple success stories regarding the Naturopath, so I made an appointment. I was skeptical and didn't know what to expect, but I went...what else did I have to lose? The appointment went extremely well, he was so knowledgeable, and made me have real hope again. The downside is that it was expensive, but we felt like it was worth it, especially if it worked! The first month...nothing, BUT I got my period on-time, which was something that hadn't happened without forcing it, in a long time. This was just last month, and I am in the very last half of my second month on the supplements. I am day 24 today, and 99.9% sure that I am not pregnant. My temperatures and cervical fluid didn't do what it needed to. I am at the point of hopelessness. I don't know what to do, I think I will try the Naturopath again, but the future only holds expensive fertility treatments that we can't afford.

I needed to write this down. I needed to get this out. I am dying a little bit more inside as we approach one and a half years of this journey. The only promise I can cling to is found in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." I have to believe this verse, because if I don't, I don't think I could get through my days. I know that seems melodramatic, but I really can't go one hour without thinking about my body, how it failed me, how we would have had a child already, how my kids will be SO much younger than their cousins, how I have failed my husband and how I don't know what I would do if this never happened. God has to be my strength through this, but it is hard to leave my worries with him. God, forgive me for not trusting you and your plan!

Well, here it is, my messy, heartfelt and honest story. I won't apologize for it, and if anyone does read this, I hope they realize that this is an outlet for all my thoughts that eat me alive. I welcome comments and suggestions, but mostly I just needed to get this out!